At my recent GYN appointment, my doctor asked me if I wanted an HIV/Sexually Transmitted Disease panel of tests. I sat up on my elbows as she lubed up her sterile glove, and I said, "I WISH!" She laughed, and I chortled and then let that less-than-tasteful joke run its embarrassing course as she examined me and then dryly asked, "So, you don't have a partner?
"No. I don't. That's why I said, 'I WISH.' I hope you didn't think I was suggesting that I somehow hoped that if I did have a partner, they would have HIV or Syphilis and that I'd be infected?"
There was a brief silence; it was broken when she flatly stated, "It's good that you've gained some weight."
Oh, right. Yes. So I've been told.
Thought bubble: FUCK weight gain and menopausal "muffin top" and comments like "Hope, you-look-good-with-a-few-pounds-on-those-bones." Jesus! Haven't we yet learned (as a society) that talking about people's weight, unless it is solicited by the person who NEEDS to talk about THEIR weight, is not up for discussion)?
Leaving that appointment, I realized (3) things: 1. I am glad I don't have HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease (REALLY! I JUST realized THAT)? 2. My metabolism is dramatically changing (even though I am a conscientious "worker-outer"), and 3. I want a mate. Not a date, not a "fuck buddy," not a "friend" or a "travel companion" like so many people have suggested I seek to find, but a mate. A man. A man that likes me emotionally, intellectually, and sexually; a man who has a job and wants to go out to dinner and travel and enjoy life together. I feel like I am speaking in tongues when I voice this idea. Why? What am I doing or NOT DOING to perpetuate my single status? I no longer want to RSVP to dinner invites or big life events without a PLUS ONE check mark. Like Michael J. Fox coming who stopped hiding his Parkinson's Disease diagnosis (I just watched STILL on Apple TV...it's a MUST), I am no longer hiding my quest for a life partner.
I have been deeply contemplative about HOW to go about such a finding. I know...I know what you're thinking, join a dating site. I can't do it. Well, technically, I CAN do it, but the brief experiences I've had on MATCH.COM, it left me with Online Dating PTSD. For example, yea, but IMMEDIATELY NO! to the man who wrote me with a terribly orange-hued tan, lying on a BarcaLounger, holding his scrotum in a Speedo, asking me to join him in Reno. Or the guy who suggested that we meet on the West Side Highway for dinner and, upon meeting, stated that we were going to The West Way Gentleman's Club. That was it. I canceled my membership, and although I have been investigating dating sites and apps, I have NEVER paid for another subscription. It terrifies me. Yea, and call me picky, but I'd rather be on NAKED & AFRAID and eat a bucket of worms for 25K.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Big, fat, juicy ones
Long, thin, slimey ones
Itsy bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms
Down goes the first one
Down goes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm!
Big, fat, juicy ones
Long, thin, slimey ones
Itsy bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms
Up comes the first one
Up comes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm!
Big, fat, juicy ones
Long, thin, slimey ones
Itsy bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms!
Until next time, here are some truths I'd use to publicize a dating profile:
1. I AM FREE and CLEAR of ANY & ALL SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
2. I REGULARLY WORK OUT
3. I AM A HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE
4. I LIKE TO TRAVEL
5. I AM A LOYAL FRIEND
6. I LIKE TO EAT FOOD, NOT WORMS
7. I LOVE THE BEACH, and SUNTAN NATURALLY, without creams or other tanning agents or machines
8. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO A STRIP CLUB ON A DATE
9. I WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE ORGANICALLY (I DON'T WANT TO ONLINE DATE)
10. I AM A PERSON; I AM PROUD TO BE A WOMAN; I AM A FRIEND; I AM A DAUGHTER AND A COUSIN WHO WOULD LIKE TO FIND A PARTNER.
